The Tension and the Terror
by you'renomysterytome
Summary: AlexMarissa, what could have been.
1. Default Chapter

Hey everyone, this is my first attempt at fan fic so any comments would be hugely appreciated! Any criticism is more than welcome too, ideas for future chapters also.

Pairing ; Alex/Marissa

Rating: M? For future chapters I suppose.

Disclaimer: All characters names and locations property of Fox and The OC. I do not own or have rights to any of them, or the actual plot of the show. Any likeness to actual people is entirely accidental.

**Chapter 1.**

At the sound of the pool house door slamming behind her Marissa's eyes began to fill with tears. She stormed round the side of the Cohen's house, avoiding entering where she knew Seth and questions awaited. As she strode to her car she felt the windows staring at her, like empty eyes, knowing and judging. Finally safe in her jeep she felt the barrier break and the tears began to flow.

_Why the hell do I always mess it up? Every time I have something good I have to push it away. It's just he's so, clingy, and protective. I can't stand it, it's like being suffocated. I had to do it, didn't I? It wouldn't be fair otherwise, oh god, I hope I did the right thing. He probably hates me now._

Marissa was brought out of her reverie by the sharp sound of a car horn. How long had she been just sitting at the lights? By the angry shouting of the drivers behind her it was long enough. Slamming the accelerator to the floor she tore off down the road.

She drove for hours. There was something comforting about the blankness it could enduce. Just her, the road and a full tank of gas. Flicking on the radio she felt herself slipping back towards thought, and back towards Ryan. But she knew it was too late now. Too much was said to take back, and too much truth was shared to be smoothed over by well meaning lies. Tuning her attention back to the radio and it's music she realised that the band was one due to be playing at the Bait Shop that night.

_But that would mean seeing her. Is that something I want to do right now? Is it something that I CAN do right now?_

Marissa didn't care she decided. It was only Alex. It was only a girl, only a friend, nothing more. She repeated those last words like they were her only hope as she steered the jeep into the Bait Shop Car park.

_Nothing more, it's nothing more._

The clock on the dash flashed 8:00 at her in bright red numbers. She hadn't realised the time. The band started at 8:30 and she didn't want to be late. Hurrying to the door she suddenly turned and went back to the car. Checking herself in the rearview mirror she made sure her hair was in place and fixed her tear stained makeup. Straightening her black shirt and fixing how the denim of her skirt fell around her tanned legs she felt ready to go in now.

_Why did I do that? Why do I care? I mean, it's only Alex. Just a friend, only a friend. This is weird. It's the breakup with Ryan, it's making me stressed._

Alex was too busy for all this thinking. There were too many customers demanding drinks. Not only drinks, but drinks with a smile, and some of them, well they wanted more than the smile. She knew the kind, good tippers, if you were willing to give them what they wanted. She wasn't. Money wasn't worth the time spent listening to them talk about their ex wives, smiling and flirting. Besides, she found it hard to concentrate on faces for too long recently.

_Only because there's that one that keeps appearing in my head, in front of the face of whoever I'm talking to and all I can see is that hair and those eyes. That smile. Oh god the smile. **Stop.** Don't think that kind of thing anymore. It's just friendship, she only wants a friend Alex, who are you kidding. Like she'd ever want anything more. Nothing more. It's nothing more._

_She busied her hands making drinks at such a rate even her colleagues seemed impressed. Churning out the martinis and 7and7's that were Newport's drinks of choice. Just tonic for the recovering alcoholics and then later, they would take the gin as well, and eventually, just the gin. Newport. She knew she didn't fit in here. Not that she really fitted in anywhere, but here she felt she fitted even less. _

As the band set up she wandered back to her office. Under the pretence of getting the bands money for the gig. She even almost believed it herself. The second the door was shut and the bolt thrown over she sunk down to the floor, back against the wall and head in her hands. She was too confused. And not used to being this way. Not used to the thoughts that haunted her, the daydreams that occupied her mind when she should be working.

_Why can't I get her out of my head? At least if I knew where I stand with her, but I can't ask her. I can't just come out with that kind of thing. She'd laugh and then she'd realise I was serious. Then, well, the same thing as most of my old friends, the looks, and the coldness, the hostility. She'd be freaked out, they all are in the end. I couldn't stand to lose her like that. I couldn't, I need a friend here, even if it **is** only a friend. Nothing more. Oh god just remember that, nothing more. _

Composing herself she stood. It wasn't even as if she had been given any signs. Nothing to encourage these feelings, these thoughts. After Jodie, well she hadn't thought there would be another one to make her feel that anticipation. She had thought, well, she had thought wrong, and now, she couldn't stop thinking. Returning to the bar she poured herself a whiskey. JD wasn't just for old men, it was what it was, and at the moment, that was the power to forget and not think. Downing it, she poured another.

Please tell me what you think! More to come, I promise.


	2. Dying just to keep from kissing you

**Chapter 2**

Marissa held her breath and walked through the door. Letting her senses adjust to the lack of light and thumping bass she steadied herself on the railing. Scanning the floor and bar area she felt her heart beat speed up, and felt that anticipation building again. Cursing herself silently she began softly mouthing the words under her breath, under the music.

_Nothing more. _

What she wasn't prepared for was the shiver that ran up on her spine when she heard a familiar voice shouting over the music to her.

"Marissa! Hey, I didn't know you were coming tonight"

The young blonde sauntered up to the railing and leant forward to get a better view of the band, her hair falling forward across her face.

_Oh god, nothing more. It's nothing more. I'm not looking at her hair, and it doesn't look so soft that I would give up anything to touch it and feel it on my skin. Don't look in her eyes, not the eyes, you know what happens when you do that. When you feel like your soul is being scrutinised and you forget about time and space and the universe. Nothing. There's nothing._

"Alex."

Marissa stammered, her tongue fumbling the name and choking her.

"I, I didn't know I was coming either really."

Alex threw the stammering girl a questioning look, why was she unable to talk all of a sudden, she couldn't possibly…no. Nothing. There was nothing there. Not on Marissa's side at least.

"Is it because of Ryan? Did you guys have another fight?"

"No, it's not because of him, well yes. I don't know. I..I broke up with him."

Marissa's eyes welled with tears as she said it. She wasn't sure if it was because they had broken up or if it was because of the reason why.

Alex turned towards the brunnette as she said it, all interest in the band lost. Wordlessly she gathered her into a hug. An innocent hug. Or what seemed like an innocent hug. Alex felt her heart pounding at the touch, felt the contact of skin on skin where there arms met like an electric shock.

_Oh God, **stop. **For god's sake, stop, before she feels your heart racing, surely she can hear it. Before she runs away. _

Abruptly dropping her arms she stepped back. Marissa swayed forward at the sudden loss of support, gazing questioningly at her. Alex thought she could see dissapointment in those eyes. But it was probably imagined.

"I just thought, um, we should go to my office if you want to talk. The music's kinda loud out here"

_Great Alex, she thought to herself, very smooth. Just keep that up and she'll fall for you in no time. The sarcasm felt good to hear. To think. It reminded her how stupid she was being. _

_At the door to Alex's office Marissa hesitated. Did she really want to do this, of course she did. But did Alex want to, did she not realise what was happening, couldn't she feel it?_

_Please, make the first move, I can't. It's not..I'm not…oh what am I doing. She doesn't even seem interested. We've known each other over 3 weeks and I haven't got a single hint._

Alex held the door open for her, as she slipped past her she inhaled a deep breath. Full of Alex's perfume and the smell of her shampoo, the scent of her skin. Later, she would think it was that which made up her mind for her.

"Want a drink?"

"Sure" replied Marissa,

"Have you got any JD?"

"No way, that's what I always drink" Exclaimed Alex.

_Did you think I didn't know that? Marissa's thoughts echoed in her head._

Alex poured the drinks, concentrating too hard on the act and trying desperately to ignore the figure standing opposite her. Trying so hard, but failing so miserably. Reaching out to hand her the drink, and she felt the other girls hand brush past hers, accepting the glass, but lingering for what seemed a second too long. As Alex's eyebrow shot up Marissa dropped her eyes to the floor, biting her lower lip. Unknowingly driving Alex crazy with the need to taste that lip, to explore it with her own.

Still standing in the same place with her whiskey in one hand and eyes on the floor Marissa took a deep breath and steeled herself.

"Alex, listen, the reason…the reason I broke up with Ryan, was because…_say it, tell her, you want her, you only see her, **tell her**_….Because he was too clingy."

The last came out in a rush. She felt like kicking herself for not saying it. Furious at herself she chugged back the whiskey.

The blonde opposite her released a slight sigh, she knew she wasn't going to say it, but, she had hoped. Oh how she had hoped that somehow, she'd give her a sign. A sign that it wasn't Ryan she wanted, but her, Alex.

_Alex Kelly. You have never in your life been afraid of this kind of thing, never. Why can't you just take the leap. Trust her. Trust yourself. At least you will have tried. _

Listening to her thoughts it was Alex's turn to take a deep breath. Stepping forward she managed to choke out a strangled "Marissa"


	3. Saved by Grace and Destoyed by Naivety

**Chapter 3**

**Saved by Grace and Destroyed by Naivety **

Marissa looked up at her name, it had sounded, choked somehow. What was wrong. She took in Alex's face, the eyes boring into her, looking deep within her own. She read the fear in them, the nervousness, but could she read the desire? She wasn't sure. Maybe it was a reflection of her own. Alex still hadn't stopped moving forward. She was wasn't she? Marissa shut her eyes. She couldn't stand to look anymore, not at those perfect lips as they moved towards her. It wasn't going to happen she told herself, that wasn't why Alex was moving, she probably was going to say something or, do something or…  
The feel of warm breath across her lips made her head reel, and her stomach lurch. Finally giving in to herself she leant forward, catching the other girls lips on hers, pressing against her in a passionate kiss. Feeling the heat of the others' mouth as their hands grasped at each others bodies. Desperate but gentle. Twining her fingers in the blond hair she felt Alex deepen the kiss, probing with her tongue against her lips, letting her in she moaned softly into Alex's mouth.  
Alex's heart skipped a beat at the sound of that moan, her skin pulsed at the feel of those fingers on her scalp and where her own hands grasped Marissa's neck she felt the other's goose bumps. Air was becoming a problem and Alex reluctantly pulled back slightly, their foreheads and noses still touching. Both of them gasping for breath. It took more courage than she ever knew she had to open her eyes and look at the girl who she had longed for day and night for the past three weeks.

Marissa was watching Alex carefully. So far the girl hadn't looked up. They'd been frozen, foreheads pressed together for the past few minutes. She had been content to just stay like that, letting their breathing slow in unison and feeling the soft hands on her neck and back, and her own stroking blond hair gently. But now, now she was worried.  
_Why hasn't she looked up, why doesn't she open her eyes? Did she not want this? I must have done something wrong, please, look at me. Tell me what you're thinking, Alex, please, don't do this to me, don't leave me hanging here._  
Alex's eyes fluttered open, grey blue eyes piercing as ever. Searching Marissa's face for some reaction, something that would tell her whether she had been wrong or right. Just something. Sighing in relief Marissa smiled back at her, and Alex knew then, that it had been real. Not faked or unintentional and not unwanted. But mutual.  
Marissa's hand slipped out of Alex's hair and gently stroked her jaw line, drawing her forward into another kiss. Less needy this time and more gentle. Taking Marissa's hand in hers Alex broke the kiss and leant her head against Marissa's collar bone, trying to calm her racing heart and to prolong the moment for as long as possible. Inhaling the sweetness of her skin, still tasting her lips on her own, she held on to her friend, and her what, her girlfriend? She didn't know. Worry flooded back to her.  
_What if it was only an experiment for her, she's straight, she dates guys, she dates Ryan for gods sake, handsome, kind Ryan. This was probably only a small thing for her, just, experimenting._  
She couldn't bear to think about it, so she clung to Marissa, desperate to keep this moment, this stunning creature in her arms, and tried not to think about what would happen when she had to let go.

It was Marissa who eventually broke the embrace. As hard as it was for her, the band had stopped playing and she knew it was only a matter of time before one of the other barkeeps came in looking for Alex. Whatever her feelings were she still wasn't willing to be caught like that.  
"Alex?" Her hesitance made her voice tremble.Silently Alex let go, knowing that it was time and that she would have to let the moment slip away. She backed off a few paces, wanting to see what Marissa's reaction would be and how she would want to deal with this.Suddenly, seeing Alex back away, and losing the warmth from her touch Marissa was terrified._What happened there? Does that mean, I'm not gay, I'm straight. I wanted it, without knowing what it meant. But it felt so…don't think it. I have to get out of here, have to work out what just happened ._  
"I have to go"The words were no sooner said then the office door swung shut leaving Alex startled and alone._I knew it, it was only a kiss. Only an experiment. Why did I let myself into this? It's not as if I didn't want it, but I just know it, I'm going to be hurt. _

Thanks for all the reviews so far. I'm enjoying writing it, sorry if it did take a while to get going! I'll keep the updates coming…if you keep the comments coming! Lol.

Any ideas or whatever are more than welcome.


	4. Mistakes we knew we were making

Hello again, sorry it took a while to get this up, something to do with server overloads. The massive wait finally paid off. Hope it's not too disappointing! I did try though, as always, reviews are much appreciated.

**Chapter 3**

Marissa looked up at her name, it had sounded, choked somehow. What was wrong. She took in Alex's face, the eyes boring into her, looking deep within her own. She read the fear in them, the nervousness, but could she read the desire? She wasn't sure. Maybe it was a reflection of her own. Alex still hadn't stopped moving forward. She was wasn't she? Marissa shut her eyes. She couldn't stand to look anymore, not at those perfect lips as they moved towards her. It wasn't going to happen she told herself, that wasn't why Alex was moving, she probably was going to say something or, do something or…

The feel of warm breath across her lips made her head reel, and her stomach lurch. Finally giving in to herself she leant forward, catching the other girls lips on hers, pressing against her in a passionate kiss. Feeling the heat of the others' mouth as their hands grasped at each others bodies. Desperate but gentle. Twining her fingers in the blond hair she felt Alex deepen the kiss, probing with her tongue against her lips, letting her in she moaned softly into Alex's mouth.

Alex's heart skipped a beat at the sound of that moan, her skin pulsed at the feel of those fingers on her scalp and where her own hands grasped Marissa's neck she felt the other's goose bumps. Air was becoming a problem and Alex reluctantly pulled back slightly, their foreheads and noses still touching. Both of them gasping for breath. It took more courage than she ever knew she had to open her eyes and look at the girl who she had longed for day and night for the past three weeks.

Marissa was watching Alex carefully. So far the girl hadn't looked up. They'd been frozen, foreheads pressed together for the past few minutes. She had been content to just stay like that, letting their breathing slow in unison and feeling the soft hands on her neck and back, and her own stroking blond hair gently. But now, now she was worried.

_Why hasn't she looked up, why doesn't she open her eyes? Did she not want this? I must have done something wrong, please, look at me. Tell me what you're thinking, Alex, please, don't do this to me, don't leave me hanging here._

Alex's eyes fluttered open, grey blue eyes piercing as ever. Searching Marissa's face for some reaction, something that would tell her whether she had been wrong or right. Just something. Sighing in relief Marissa smiled back at her, and Alex knew then, that it had been real. Not faked or unintentional and not unwanted. But mutual.

Marissa's hand slipped out of Alex's hair and gently stroked her jaw line, drawing her forward into another kiss. Less needy this time and more gentle. Taking Marissa's hand in hers Alex broke the kiss and leant her head against Marissa's collar bone, trying to calm her racing heart and to prolong the moment for as long as possible. Inhaling the sweetness of her skin, still tasting her lips on her own, she held on to her friend, and her what, her girlfriend? She didn't know. Worry flooded back to her.

_What if it was only an experiment for her, she's straight, she dates guys, she dates Ryan for gods sake, handsome, kind Ryan. This was probably only a small thing for her, just, experimenting. _

She couldn't bear to think about it, so she clung to Marissa, desperate to keep this moment, this stunning creature in her arms, and tried not to think about what would happen when she had to let go.

It was Marissa who eventually broke the embrace. As hard as it was for her, the band had stopped playing and she knew it was only a matter of time before one of the other barkeeps came in looking for Alex. Whatever her feelings were she still wasn't willing to be caught like that.

"Alex?" Her hesitance made her voice tremble.

Silently Alex let go, knowing that it was time and that she would have to let the moment slip away. She backed off a few paces, wanting to see what Marissa's reaction would be and how she would want to deal with this.

Suddenly, seeing Alex back away, and losing the warmth from her touch Marissa was terrified.

_What happened there? Does that mean, I'm not gay, I'm straight. I wanted it, without knowing what it meant. But it felt so…don't think it. I have to get out of here, have to work out what just happened . _

"I have to go"

The words were no sooner said then the office door swung shut leaving Alex startled and alone.

_I knew it, it was only a kiss. Only an experiment. Why did I let myself into this? It's not as if I didn't want it, but I just know it, I'm going to be hurt. _

_As Marissa ran out to her car she could hardly think her mind was racing so fast. Flinging the keys into the ignition she sped home. Slamming her bedroom door and locking it she collapsed on the bed, tears brimming and turned to her radio. Hearing the music come she lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling, and tried to make some sense of what she was feeling._

As she lay on her bed she found herself unable to concentrate on the problem at hand, she tried to think of Ryan, tried to make it so that it was him she saw. But all she could think about was the feel of Alex's tongue on hers, her kisses and her hair. Every song on the radio reminded her of something they had done together, a moment exchanged. As much as she tried to suppress it she longed for Alex to be there now, to touch her and feel her skin on hers.

_So that's it is it? I'm gay now? It's just the way she can make me feel, I can't ignore that._

Walking over to her drawer she took out a photo album. It was from about 2 weeks ago, when Ryan, Seth, Summer, Alex and her had decided to go to L.A for the day. She took the pictures out and examined them. Looking at Ryan she tried to feel something, but nothing came. When she turned one of the pages her heart nearly stopped beating. There was a picture just of Alex, smiling at something the person behind the camera had said. At the sight of that smile, sexy and so promising Marissa knew. This was who she wanted to be with. Someone who she felt she could talk to about anything and nothing at all. Where silences weren't awkward but companiable. Closing the album she picked up her car keys from her bedside table and walked out the door.


	5. Nothing Better

Hey again! Sorry the update took a bit longer. I came home meaning to write, but ended up falling asleep and only waking up now (about 2am here) BUT, being ever faithful to wonderful reviewers I have another chapter for you. Tell me if you think it's getting worse or better or whatever. Thanks!

Alex was sitting on the floor at home, a bottle of JD in her hand, half empty. Across from her there was a stain on the wall and glass below it where she had smashed a beer bottle. She looked a mess. Hair tousled and tangled with her mascara running in black tears down her cheeks. Taking another swig of the whiskey she began to sob again.

_Why did I let her get to me? I knew she would be the one to break me. I had to have known, but who could have resisted that? She hates me now, I saw the way she ran. Disgusted at herself. Probably straight into Ryan's waiting embrace. _

Standing Alex flung her head back and screamed as loud as she could,

"FUCK"

She let the word stretch out and when she had no more breath she collapsed to her knees in her living room sobbing, whiskey leaking onto the carpet.

Marissa pulled the car up to a stop outside Alex's apartment. As she got out of the car she heard someone scream, it sounded a lot like someone shouting "fuck" at the top of their voice. Panicking suddenly she ran to Alex's door, battering at it and shouting for her friend.

_Oh god, what if she thinks I hate her? Why did I run out like that, what have I done._

When nobody answered she stuck her ear to the door, from inside she could hear the sound of near hysterical crying. Mouth dry with fear, she ran to the window, straining to open it. Thankfully it slid open easily enough. Climbing in Marissa was met with the sight of Alex, crumpled up over a bottle of Jacks and in floods of tears.

_Even now, like that, she's so beautiful it makes my heart ache._

"Alex!"

Panic set in. She fell to her knees next to the crying girl and took her in her arms, rubbing her back comfortingly and stroking her hair. Murmuring incomprehensible comforts into her ear as the sobs shook her sleight frame.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Choked Alex between the sobs.

It scared Marissa. Alex was normally so, so calm, and collected. What had sparked this outburst of emotion.

When she had calmed a little Alex turned to Marissa and tears still rolling down her cheeks gave her a look of utter despair and asked her,

"What was it to you?"

Marissa didn't need to ask what she was talking about, she took her face into her hands and leaning forwards so they were touching again whispered her reply.

"Everything"

Alex didn't know why she had been crying like that. It wasn't her, it was so, she wanted to say wrong, but at the same time, it had felt like the right thing to do.  
_Damn, why am I letting her affect me this much. It was never like this. Never this bad, this affecting._

Marissa walked into the room, carrying two cups of tea. Setting one down on the arm of the couch she sat next to Alex.

"Thanks"

"It's only a cup of tea you know"

"No, I mean, thanks for the tea, but also, just thank you"

Shifting slightly closer to Alex, Marissa felt a smile spread out over her face, she must look so goofy at this moment she realised hiding her face in her cup.

"Anytime" She muttered to her tea.

For a long time they sat in silence, drinking the tea and enjoying the others company. But it was only a matter of time before the Alex started thinking again. Thinking about the heat between them where their sides touched on the couch, the way Marissa's hair was falling across her collarbone.

_Snap out of it Alex, you don't even know why she ran. Why **did** she run? Ask her. You know you have to eventually. _

"Hey, Marissa?"

"Yeah?" Marissa looked up at Alex, surprised at the sudden urge to speak.

"Why…why did you run out?"

There was a long pause. Alex felt her stomach knot up.

"If you don't want to tell me that's fine I just, I had to ask." She cursed herself for how the words spilt off her tongue in such a rush.

"No, I was just thinking, I don't really know, or I didn't."

Marissa paused for breath, and her eyes took on a far away look.

"I was scared. Not of you and not of us. But because every time something good happens in my life something always seems to happen. I always ruin it somehow. And, well nothing that good had ever happened to me and I didn't know if I could stand to see myself ruin it."

Alex's eyes widened at this confession, her heart breaking for the confused girl in front of her, baring her soul to her.

_Could she be any more sexy than she is at this moment? So vulnerable and…woah, stop, she's looking for guidance, I shouldn't think this stuff._

"You don't hate me for it do you?" Marissa's voice broke slightly on the last words.

Alex was silent.

Marissa's lower lip trembled and she bit down on it, hard. Why hadn't she said something to that, why didn't she answer?

_It's because she hates me isn't it. I always ruin it, why do I have to always ruin it. Just one time, let it be ok. Please._

Stunned into silence at the idea of ever hating Marissa, Alex felt unable to respond. She stared at Marissa. Watching as she bit down on her lip.

_Doesn't she realise how much I want her right now? What I wouldn't give to kiss it all away, all the self doubt she has, all the fear? _

Realizing that was as good a response as any she reached out, thumb brushing a tear that had slipped out away from the soft cheek , guiding her face into the kiss. This time it was softer, and somehow, said more than a years worth of words. More than an eternity of talking could convey.

The second their lips met Marissa felt something click. This was how it was meant to be, what Ryan could never give her. A connection, an understanding so deep that nothing needed to be said. With that, she felt her brain stop operating properly, becoming oblivious to everything but the feel of their lips, the intertwining of their tongues and the sweet taste of her mouth.


	6. Brand New Colony

Ok so here's the next Chapter. All the comments have been great. Seeing as a lot of my fave fics have updated recently I'm feeling extra generous and posting TWO new chapters. As usual, tell me what you think!

Sunlight streamed through the window and across the couch, glinting off blonde hair and intensifying the purple streak. Alex lay on the couch too scared to open her eyes in case she woke to find it had all been a dream. As her senses gradually became more alert she could feel the weight of another body draped over hers and hear the soft steady sound of breathing. But what she was focusing on was the beat of another heart, so perfectly in sync with her own that she had not noticed it at first.

_So this is what heaven is like…. was her last thought before she drifted back to sleep._

Marissa's eyes fluttered open adjusting to the bright light. As memory flooded back to her she smiled. A brilliant, happy smile. The first of it's kind in a long time. She stealthily observed the sleeping form next to her, relishing the sharing of heat in the early morning sun. Fixing her attention on the exposed neck she began to kiss it lightly. Then more deliberately, eliciting a low moan from it's owner.

"Well good morning to you to" Alex grinned rolling over to face her, forgetting about their sleeping arrangements. With a loud bump she fell off the side of the couch , crashing painfully on her side.

"Oh my god, Alex! Are you okay?" The last few words trailed off into a giggle which quickly broke into gales of laughter as Marissa clambered off the couch to help her up.

"Nothing but a bit of bruised pride" Alex couldn't help laughing along with her,

_So much for a romantic start to our first morning waking up beside one another, even if all we did was make out, I still wanted something a bit less, embarrassing. _

Reaching out for her Marissa grabbed her in a playful embrace, kissing her teasingly before pulling away.

"So what are we going to do about breakfast?" She shouted over her shoulder as she flounced towards the kitchen.

_Tease. But my tease._

Alex couldn't help but smile at the thought.

" What about bagels, I hear it's a favourite at the Cohen household" She called back.

"Oh yeah, Ryan loves those"

Marissa regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth,

"I mean, um, everyone, loves bagels"

At the mention of Ryan's name Alex's good mood vanished. Try as she could she couldn't help but be jealous. After all, she still wasn't sure if this was a phase for Marissa and Ryan was certainly the best catch in the area right about now. Honestly, she liked the guy, she did. I mean, what was not to like. But sometimes when she thought about him and Marissa she felt her anger take over.

_Must talk to Summer about those rage blackouts, we may have something in common after all._

Sitting down at the table she studied Marissa as she went about making breakfast. There was a grace to her movements that she couldn't get out of her head. It was like a drug, watching her. And she never wanted to get over this addiction.

Marissa concentrated on the bagel. She didn't want to turn around and face Alex.

_How could I have been so stupid to mention Ryan. What the hell is going on with me._

She leant on the counter in front of her and shut her eyes. Trying vainly to rewind time and take back the words.

Alex sat at the table and watched. When she saw Marissa lean on the counter, head in her hands her anger melted away. Getting up from her chair she padded over to Marissa's demoralised figure. Slipping her hands around her waist and brushing back the hair covering the nape of her neck.

"It's okay" She whispered in between covering Marissa's neck with kisses.

"I'm okay with it"

Marissa's head came up stretching back to grant access to more of her skin. Hands grasping Alex's.

"Thank you" She whispered back, "For understanding"

"Oh you'll be thanking me for a lot more than that pretty soon" Alex laughed, a mischievous grin stealing over her face as she drew back.

Marissa turned and lunged for her. Only just evading her reaching grasp Alex danced backwards lightly and jumping over the strewn beer bottles slipped into the bedroom.

"I'm just going to get changed ok Marissa?"

She called out, sliding her shirt over her head and reaching for another.

"Oh that's more than fine" Came a voice from the bedroom doorway.

Jumping Alex spun around, still shirtless, to see Marissa leaning casually on her doorframe a distinct look of lust burning in her eyes.

"Hey!" Alex declared indignantly as Marissa obviously eyed her up, taking in everything on offer.

"That's not fair!"

"And how do we fix that? Since when did you care about fair?"

"Since now" Alex said stalking towards her a firm look in her eyes.

Grasping Marissa's tank top at it's base she flipped it off easily.

"There. Now we're even."

Marissa stared hard at the screen in front of her. Something about the Aztecs. Alex was right, there was nothing to learn about the ancient Aztecs. Except maybe that they had this nasty habit of human sacrifices. She let her mind space out and drift back to the night before.

On the stereo some band had been playing, she couldn't remember their name. A favourite of Alex's. All she remembered was how the lyrics fit so perfectly.

all the tension and the terror, thin limbed gorgeous green eyed smiling-

Marissa began to hum softly under her breath,

Your lips, they pout and twist, and I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you-

But she hadn't really tried. It was simply the heady blend of soaring music in the background and her soaring heart that had made it so electric. Such a charged moment.

"Marissa Cooper, are you listening?"

Marissa was hurled back into reality. Nodding mutely she turned her attention and eyes back to the video. More Aztec sacrifices. Once again she felt her mind wandering.

The feel of Alex's tongue on hers, rough with taste buds but softer than anything she could imagine. Caressing a jaw line, kisses trailing a path down across a smooth tanned stomach. The feel of skin on skin, heat against heat. Sharp pain from nips and playful bites, purple red bruises blossoming under her mouth's attack. The soft moans and feel of hot breath against her naked skin. Piercing blue eyes locked with hers as her nails raked an exposed back, leaving red marks in their wake. Marking Alex as hers, forever. A thin film of sweat making their bodies shimmer in the heat and passion of the moment. Calling out her name as she arched her back, straining to be closer to her, to bring her deeper within her. The way she held her as she shuddered to a halt, calming slowly from the heightened release. Falling asleep protected, safe, and with the words " I love you" whispered in her ears, lulling her to sleep with their promise.


	7. Such Great Heights

_Let's try a romantic waking again_

Alex thought as she gently traced patterns on Marissa's exposed thigh that was draped languorously across her stomach. Leaning towards her girlfriends sleeping face she gently kissed her neck, working her way up to Marissa's ear.

Marissa lay in bed and pretended to still be asleep. She didn't want her girlfriend to stop the mornings caresses.

_Girlfriend. That's what this is now. And there's nothing I've wanted more all my life._

Marissa couldn't hold back a moan when hot breath slipped past her ear accompanied by a whispered,

"Marissa Cooper, I love you"

Smiling she turned her face to meet Alex's. Finding the waiting lips without having to look, simply trusting that they would be there.

"I love you too."

She opened her eyes to see Alex with a ridiculous grin spreading over her face. Jumping up from the bed Alex headed to the shower, shooting a sly smile back over her shoulder. Marissa knew this game. She had played it a hundred times with various boyfriends, but never had it seemed so appealing. Following the retreating figure she waited until she heard the sound of water running before slipping into the bathroom.

Steam clouded her eyesight as she reached out and turned on the hot water at the sink. She was rewarded with a screech from behind the shower curtain.

"Marissa! That was so not fair, I'm all cold now"

"Well why don't you let me in there to help you warm up"

Alex chuckled softly at that reaching for the soap. Before she could grasp it she felt hands on her waist, gently but firmly pulling her around. Leaning back into Marissa she rested her head back on the other girls bare shoulder. It didn't take long before Marissa was passionately kissing her neck, searching out her pulse point and making her heart race and her body flush with heat. Spinning in the embrace she casually dropped a hand, letting fingers graze Marissa's inner thigh. The response wasn't one she had expected. Where she thought to receive a moan Marissa's hold increased in force. She took Alex's wrists and pinned them above her. Lips crushing against hers in animalistic need. Responding with as much lust to the unpredicted but certainly not unwelcome assault Alex roughly scraped her teeth across Marissa's bottom lip extracting a deep moan.

"I want you. Right here." Marissa's voice had dropped an octave, taking on a husky desperation as she pressed her body up against the blondes. Grinding against her. Alex felt her insides melt at the sound of it.

"Stay" the roughness of the command took Alex off guard but she did as she was told.

_Who knew the sweet Marissa Cooper had an authoritarian side?_

She felt fingernails grazing down her collarbone, followed almost at once by Marissa's hot mouth. Moaning with desire she let her hand stray to the back of Marissa's head, guiding it lower. The feel of her tongue circling her naked breasts left her short of breath and panting. The water pounded down ignored, and Marissa followed the streams further down to where Alex's moans let her know she needed her to be. Slipping a finger inside her she set her tongue to work. Alex was making enough noise to wake half of Newport by now, she didn't think she could get any louder. Until Marissa slipped another finger in. Bringing her head back up to launch into a passionate kiss she kept her hand going working in time to Alex's thrusts. When her head was thrown back in sheer ecstasy Marissa wasted no time in devouring her neck. Spurred on by Alex crying her name over and over again as she shivered in her arms.

Alex didn't recover from that one all day. Working behind the bar she felt her hands start to shake and her pulse race whenever she thought back to the morning's encounter. She'd always wondered what the attraction of showers was. Now she finally realised.

"Let's go out today. On a date."

Alex flicked her gaze up from polishing glasses. Marissa was leaning on the counter with a playful grin. "Come on! It'll be fun, just the two of us." She reached out to playfully swipe at Alex's hair.

"Oh no you don't, what did I tell you, don't mess with the hair" Alex laughed dodging the clumsy blow.

"We'll go on a date. Where were you thinking?"

"I thought we could go to this diner I know down by the beach and then later go for a walk or something."

"Sounds good to me babe, let me just finish up here first. 10 minutes maximum"

"You better stick to that" Marissa growled in a mock serious voice while giving Alex her most threatening glare.

Shaking her head in despair Alex went back to polishing glasses, this time with a little more energy.

Marissa was glad they were finally going out on a date. Sure they'd had outings and such, and dinner, but none of that had been formally acknowledged as a date. Leaning back against the stage she waited for Alex to finish with the glasses.

They feasted on a lunch of lobster and clams involving lots of licking juice off each others fingers and just general conversation, all kindly paid for by Julie Cooper. Sadly, she wasn't aware of her kindness.

"So babe, you up for a walk on the beach now?" Alex inquired grabbing Marissa's hand and dragging her out onto the sand. Kicking off their shoes they wandered hand in hand down the abandoned beach in the late afternoon sun.

"You know, it's days like this that make me happy just to be alive" Alex smiled as she said it, squeezing Marissa's hand slightly.

"Hey! I thought it was me who made you happy!" Marissa tugged her girlfriends arm playfully with a pout.

"I'm serious Riss, when I'm like this, with you, I'm happier than I could ever imagine being."

Marissa felt her stomach flip when Alex said that, pulling her to her she kissed her slowly, intertwining both their hands.

"I love you Alex, and I don't need anything else but you. The world can go to hell for all I care, as long as you're still here with me."

_Best. Date. Ever. Alex thought as they continued along the beach, in silence this time, hands still linked._


	8. Another Bad Day

Their wandering brought them to the pier eventually. Walking under it and away from the crowds they retained their sense of privacy. Soon though they noticed a pair of figures strolling up the beach towards them. As they walked closer they became recognisable as none other than Ryan and Seth. Realising who it was Marissa quickly disentangled her had from Alex's and distanced herself from her girlfriend a bit.

"Hey Ryan, Seth. What are you guys doing out here."

"Hi Marissa, just getting some air. You know, the way us guys have to do sometimes." Seth grinned in his quirky way, avoiding eye contact with Alex.

"More like having my ear talked off" Ryan put in.

"What are you and Alex doing here, I didn't know you guys hung out" Seth gave Marissa a curious look.

"Just you know, walking. And we don't really hang out. Yeah well um, it was nice to see you guys." Marissa spoke quickly and walked away faster.

"What's up with her man?" Seth asked Ryan.

"No idea, but I could have sworn she was holding hands with Alex earlier."

"Don't be stupid man, Marissa is totally straight. However, that **is** an interesting idea"

Alex didn't rush to catch up with Marissa. She walked behind her, lost in her own thoughts.

_Why didn't she just tell them, why deny even friendship? I know she's scared but if she really loved me like she says she does she wouldn't have let go of me. Or pretended I was nothing. Why did I have to fall for her, I knew she'd only break my heart. I just never thought it would hurt this much._

Dejected Alex looked up at Marissa's retreating form. She hadn't slowed down or looked back.

_Fine. If that's how you want it._

Alex couldn't fight the anger so she gave in to it. It was easier than the hurt at least. Turning off the beach she walked back towards the pier.

After about 20 minutes of hard walking Marissa looked around for Alex. She hadn't meant to deny their relationship like that. It was just, she was so scared. Terrified that her friends would abandon her or hate her. She wanted them to know, she really did. But every time she thought about telling them or showing them how she felt about Alex her stomach knotted up with fear. She couldn't see Alex behind her. Panicking slightly she scanned the empty sand.

_That's it. I've done it again. But this time I think I've really hurt her. _

And then she ran, feet pounding hard upon the sand and breath coming in sharp gasps.

_I just hope I can get there in time to fix this._

Alex sat on the bench and stared out over the sea. She felt the tears coming and shoved them back down. Focusing on anger helped her ignore the pain she was feeling.

_She lied to me. She doesn't care. I'm an experiment, and now it's over. That's fine, I never really liked her anyway. It was only a fling._

Even as she thought it she knew it was a lie but she couldn't help clinging on to the rage.

Seeing the blonde, Marissa walked slowly up the pier towards the figure on the bench. Saying nothing she sat down beside her, reaching out a hand to clasp Alex's which lay on her lap. At the touch Alex yanked her hand away spitting out the words

"Don't touch me"

Shocked, Marissa drew back.

"Ok babe, I won't touch you"

"Don't call me that either."

"Ok. Whatever you want. Look I'm sorry I didn't meant to do"

Alex cut her off sharply.

"I don't want to hear it. It doesn't matter. This never mattered. YOU never mattered."

Even as she said it she felt her heart breaking, but she was too scared to let go of the anger, to admit how much she cared and show the depth of her feelings. Even for her, the tough girl, this went too far into the unknown.

"Alex. You don't mean that, you can't, I…"

Marissa's voice broke as she said it. She felt the hot dampness of tears sliding unrestricted down her cheeks as she feebly reached out to Alex.

"I told you. Don't touch me."

She almost shouted the words as she threw Marissa's hand off her shoulder, springing to her feet.

_Don't touch me or I'll break. I don't want to break, not even for you._

Marissa stared in horror at Alex. Her pain evident in her eyes.

"Alex no, you have to listen to me"

"Ha, since when did I have to listen to you? I don't know what I saw in you. I guess I was just looking to get laid."

Marissa felt the words rip through her. She could have sworn she felt her heart shatter. _She hates me. Oh god she hates me. I'm such a bitch. Why did I do that to her. She can't have meant it. Please don't let her have meant it. _

_Alex threw her one last furious and disgusted look before turning to leave. _

"Alex! Wait, I have the car keys"

"I'll make my own way home. Don't be there when I get back."

Striding down the pier Alex let herself go and the tears flow. When she turned the corner and was out of Marissa's sight she allowed herself to sob. Still trying to clasp to the shreds of her anger she balled her hand into a fist and punched the wall of a nearby beach hut. The impact split the skin of her knuckles, leaving a red smear on the white painted wood.

"Shit"

Alex started to run. She didn't know where she was going, but she knew she needed to exhaust herself. Before the pain had a chance to come back.

_I had to do it. Had to get her away from me. She deserves better than me. And I'm too vulnerable to her. I've never felt this weak in my life, this open to hurt. Even with my parents, nothing was worse than this. Nothing even came close to this. I couldn't bear it if it went deeper, if it became better and then I lost it. I have to let it go before I fall too far to get out again. I had to. Please forgive me Marissa. It was for the both of us. It was always for us. _

Running along the edge of the road Alex's shoes slipped on the soft ground. She moved to the edge of the road, feeling her trainers beat out a rhythm on the tarmac, matching her gasping breaths. She didn't even hear the car. Didn't see the lights. Not until they were too close to avoid. The last thing she heard was the sharp screech of brakes deployed too late, and the acrid smell of burning rubber filled her nostrils.


	9. You're my home

_Authors Note: Hey everyone. Sorry it's been a while. School and all that. I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who has reviewed it's so nice to be able to read comments and see if people liked it. Special thanks to my regular reviewers: Auggy1984, Loopsey and Tillow. Thanks for all the support guys, it's what keeps me writing! Anyhow, better just get on with it I suppose! (I've noticed formatting is a bit weird, so sorry for the gaps between lines)_

Marissa sat in the car and sobbed. Finally pulling herself together she clicked the car into gear and began the drive home. Staring blankly at the road ahead she tried not to think about what Alex said. A stop sign loomed out of the darkness ahead, ambulance lights in the distance.

_Great. An accident. Now I'll be stuck here for ages._

Slowing the jeep she drove slowly along the road, waved along by a paramedic in a lurid orange coat. There was an ambulance parked at the side of the road. Next to it an old merc lay where it had skidded across the road. In front of it, and splashed on it's bumper was a smear of blood, showing up vividly in the ambulance lights. Driven by some morbid curiosity Marissa slowed the car further. Another paramedic was talking into a mobile, shouting to be heard over the roar of sirens.

"Yes. A runner, hit by a car. Female, around 18 years. Distinguishing feature blonde hair with a purple highlight. No identification. We don't know what she was doing out here."

Marissa slammed on the brakes, the car behind shunting her bumper.

_Blonde hair and a purple highlight. Christ, don't let it be her. Oh god. No._

Flinging the door open she hit the ground running towards the ambulance and casualty stretcher. Two policemen tried to intercept her but she dodged their clumsy attempts, all her attention focused on the ambulance's open doors. Shoving a third paramedic out of her way she rushed into the back of the ambulance.

Alex's eyes were closed. Her blonde hair sullied by the blood which coated it. One of her hands fell limply off the side of the stretcher, fingers open as if reaching out for something.

"You. Get away from there. That's restricted."

Strong arms grasped her as she felt her mind become numb.

"That's my girlfriend. She's my girlfriend, I love her, I want everyone to know. Please god, don't let her die. Not before I get the chance to make it better."

She felt dizzy. Blackness seeped into the edge of her vision.

"This one's blacked out too. She says the casualty's her girlfriend."

"Just get them both to the hospital. Quickly, this one isn't doing so well."

Marissa woke up in a hospital bed. Sun streamed in the windows, reflecting off the stainless steel furniture and blue tiles of the ward.

"Alex, where is she? Is she ok. Somebody, tell me what happened."

"Marissa Cooper?" A nurse leant forward, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You're in county general hospital. Your friend is in our intensive care unit. She was hit by a car. You blacked out in the ambulance."

"Is she ok? Tell me if she's ok!" Marissa was panicking.

"She's doing fine. She just needs observation in the ICU"

"Can I see her? Take me to her, please." Marissa clutched at the nurses hand, eyes filling with tears.

"Are you a direct relation of hers? Because only next of kin can be with her now."

"I'm her girlfriend."

"Sorry Ms. Cooper. Friends aren't allowed visit."

"No, her girlfriend. The other kind. I'm in love with her for god's sake. She's emancipated. Doesn't have any relations, not that I know of. Please, let me go to her."

"Oh. Well, I suppose that puts you into the category of, well I don't know. Let me get the doctor to check on you and then we'll see about that visit."

"Thank you." Marissa sank back into the bed, head spinning with questions.

As soon as the doctor had finished his check up she got dressed and raced to reception.

"Visitor for Alex Kelly. ICU ward 2, room 6."

"Marissa Cooper?"

"Yes."

"Go right in."

Marissa tried her hardest not to run through the halls, but she couldn't control herself. For every step she took at walking pace she took another two at full tilt. Coming to a halt outside the room she steeled herself with a deep breath and put her hand on the door knob.

"Marissa Cooper?" A voice interrupted her.

"What?" She could have screamed her frustration.

"I'm Alex's doctor. If you don't mind I'd like to have a word with you before you go in."

"Oh, sure. Sorry, I'm just so worried."

"That's fine, don't worry about it."

"How is she?"

"Alex is doing well. However she did suffer some injuries from the collision. She has two cracked ribs and a broken leg. But it's the head injury we are most concerned about. During impact her head rebounded off the road with considerable force. We still haven't managed to get her to retain consciousness for more than 3 minutes in a row. When she does become aware she asks for you though. We want to keep her under observation until she can hold consciousness."

Marissa felt tears seeping out from her closed eyelids.

_Alex, oh god, I'm sorry babe. I'm sorry I couldn't admit it about us. I'm sorry I made you hate me, that I made you run out there. God it's all my fault._

"Can I see her?"

Alex drifted in and out of consciousness. When she managed to regain some form of coherent thought only one thing filled her head. _Marissa. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm not scared anymore. I don't care what happens. I just want you here with me. Even if you have to pretend you don't know me. As long as we know, that's all that matters. You're all that matters. _As the blackness overtook her again, the last image she saw was her rooms door opening.

Marissa looked at Alex lying in the bed. Her hair was clean now, the cut above her eyebrow stitched and her leg encased in a cast. Drips and tubes were strung around the bed. Even so she looked peaceful lying there. Tears rolling down her cheek she walked over to the bed. Taking Alex's hand she leant down and kissed her forehead.

"Hey, Alex. It's Marissa. You look good baby." She ignored the purple red bruising and swelling of her girlfriends face.

"God Alex, I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you. Don't leave me, not like this babe."

Sinking into the chair beside the bed Marissa laid her head on Alex's limp hand and wept.

Alex felt air on her face. Squinting she managed to get a focus on the flowers beside her table. She tried to put her hand to her head, but felt it trapped under something.

_I'm paralysed! Shit! She nearly screamed then, but focusing her eyes on the shape next to her bed she realised who was holding her hand down. _

"Marissa."

At the sound of her name Marissa looked up.

"Alex. You're awake. I'm sorry. Oh god I'm so sorry. I love you. I didn't mean it, I want everyone to know now. I was scared. I was stupid. And I'm sorry. Please baby, forgive me."

"No, I'm the one who should be begging forgiveness. I just, I wanted it to be perfect. And it was, I just got nervous about what would happen if you didn't want this anymore. I thought it was for both our sakes."

"It doesn't matter now, I'm here, and I love you. You really scared me this time Alex."

Marissa stood up and leant over the bed, her lips meeting Alex's. Alex leant into the kiss as best she could, trying to memorise how the other girls lips felt. Marissa tasted of coffee and not enough sleep, of perfume and lip gloss, of hospital food and the tang of blood where she had been chewing her lip. She tasted of Marissa. The taste of perfection.

_Authors note: Yes I am aware it got a little extreme. But that's fiction for you! There's a bit of a time skip here, about a month or so. Now I know it takes longer for a leg to heal but in the purpose of storytelling I'm avoiding that fact. (And I bet no one would have noticed if I hadn't said it!) So this is about a month on. Alex is healed of all injuries (modern medicine huh?) _


	10. Looking ahead for the first time

Authors Note: Hey everyone, I'm so sorry this took so long. The whole plan for the fic got a little bit messed up. I'm not really sure if I like how it's going. But I'll leave that to you guys to decide.

Alex was still walking a little hesitantly on her leg, partly because of it's weakness but mainly because it meant she could lean on Marissa as they went.

_I'd do anything just to touch her. For as long as possible. Even if I DO have to be sneaky about it. _

Marissa walked slowly beside her girlfriend. Shoulders bare in a low cut top she could feel Alex's skin rubbing against hers as she leant on her.

_I hope her leg never gets better, well no, but I hope she never stops touching me. I just need to feel her near me._

Reaching Alex's jeep they climbed in. Marissa with her usual fluid grace, Alex with a little bit more clumsiness. The sun was beating down as they took off towards home. Alex shifted gears, as she did so she felt Marissa's hand cover hers on the gear stick. Smiling she glanced over at the girl beside her.

"Tomorrow is our two month anniversary you know."

"Huh?" Marissa feigned surprise.

"Oh. Um, it's no big deal, it's not important or anything, I just um."

Alex cursed herself for seeming like an emotional fool. She fixed her eyes on the road ahead. Hearing Marissa laugh she quizzically raised an eyebrow. Giving Alex's hand a squeeze Marissa leant over to kiss her cheek.

"Did you really think I wouldn't realise that? I've got you the perfect surprise as well."

Alex smiled broadly at this, but she couldn't help her mind floating back to the usual questions.

_Maybe soon she'll feel comfortable enough to tell someone about us. 2 months and not even her best friend Summer realises she's dating me. A girl. I know it's stupid to care, but I can't help wondering, maybe she's ashamed of me._

Shaking away the doubts she slowed at a red light. Leaning over to her girlfriend, who was distracted looking out her window she brushed her lips across exposed collar bone, and moving up to Marissa's ear whispered, "Fancy giving me a hint?"

"No, but I fancy giving you something else" Marissa smiled seductively and brushed her hand up Alex's thigh just as the lights turned green. Alex revved the jeep and sped them away, wanting to get home as soon as possible.

"Alex. Come on, get in the shower, we have to go soon."

Alex groaned and pulled herself into the bathroom. As the hot water sluiced over her body she felt her disappointment grow. Marissa had promised her a surprise, and she sure had delivered. Their 2 month anniversary and they were going to lunch with Cohen, Summer, and Ryan. They were her friends she supposed, but she had hoped for something more private with Marissa. As if that wasn't bad enough Julie Cooper was throwing a party then. Marissa had to go, and so Alex wanted to come. Seeing as Julie still didn't know about them, thinking Alex was just a room mate the only way for Alex to be able to come was to bring the rest of the gang. Pretty much a guarantee that they wouldn't get a moment alone together. Not to mention having to watch Marissa talk to Ryan. Even now, the thought still haunted her, that the reason she wouldn't tell people about them was him.

_She still wants him back, still loves him, and she won't admit to being with me so that she will still have a chance with him. _

Marissa pulled on a denim skirt and nice top. Smoothing her hair in an attempt to calm her nerves.

_I love her. Remember that. She loves you. It'll be ok. _

Feeling arms slip around her waist she leant back into the embrace. "I love you" The breath on her neck sent shivers up her spine. The words causing her stomach to flip no matter how many times she heard them.

"I got you something Riss."

Alex smiled drawing her hand out from behind her back and presenting Marissa with a single red rose. Tied to the stem of the rose was a silver band.

"It's just a promise ring, but it's plain, and no one will know anything from it. I know you don't want this to come out, but I wanted to get you something."

Untying the ring Marissa turned it over in her palm, inside was engraved "_forever"_.

Tears welling in her eyes Marissa pulled her girlfriend into a hug. Tucking Alex's blond hair back behind her ear and inhaling the scent of her skin she whispered "It's perfect, you're perfect. And I love you."

Alex smiled into Marissa's neck. _I don't need more than this. Just being with her is enough. Just hearing her say those words is enough. But it's time to face the ignorant masses and start the act again._

"We'd better go" Alex sighed and withdrew from the embrace.

"Let's do this thing" Laughing they climbed into the jeep and set off for the pier and their lunch date.

Summer, Seth and Ryan sat in the café waiting for the girls to arrive.

"So what's with her bringing Alex along?" whined Seth.

"This isn't how it's meant to be. We're the fantastic four, not five."

Summer hit him hard on the shoulder.

"Cohen! Coop's allowed to have other friends. Beside, Alex is a nice girl and has just recovered form her accident. The leash you can do is be civil. You dated her for gods sake."

"Whatever Summer. I still think ever since those two started rooming together Marissa's been blowing us off. Why didn't she stay with you anyway?"

"I don't know Cohen. It's her own choice. She's free of supervision this way at least."

Summer gave up after that, deciding to scrutinise the menu instead.

The jeep pulled up in front of the café. Turning the ignition off Alex looked over at Marissa.

_Ok. Start the act. You're just friends, room mates and nothing more. Don't look at her as if you lover her. Damn, but this is hard. _

Taking some comfort from the ring which Marissa still wore Alex steeled herself for the meal ahead.

"Hey Summ, Seth, Ryan" Marissa cheerfully greeted her friends.

_I'd forgotten how much I miss them sometimes. _

"Coop! Thank god you're here. I don't know how much more comic book talk I could bear."

Lughing Marissa took her seat next to Summer. Leaving Alex to pull up a chair to the four seater booth.

As soon as their food was ordered Marissa stood.

"I'm just gonna pop to the bathroom"

Alex began to rise to go with her when Marissa stopped her.

"No it's ok Alex, Summer will come with me, won't you Summ?"

"Sure" Summer leapt up from the table and immediately the two girls started talking and laughing on their way to the bathrooms.

Alex sighed inwardly as an awkward silence settled around the table.

"So what's this all about Coop?" Summer leant over the sink and fixed her hair in the mirror.

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Well shoot."

Marissa took a deep breath and fiddled with her ring. Drawing courage from it she grasped Summer's shoulder. Turning her friend to face her.

"We've been best friends since forever Summer, and I feel I owe it to you to tell you before anyone else. So here it is. For the past two months I've been dating Alex."

"Oh." Summer looked blank. Marissa's heart thumped in her chest.

_What if she won't speak to me again? What if she thinks I'm a terrible person?_

"I love her Summer."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Summer's face still betrayed no flicker of emotion.

"Because I was scared to lose you, I didn't want you to think I was a freak, or…" Marissa trailed off, casting her eyes at the floor, tears welling.

"Coop, I, I don't know what to say"

Marissa felt like she was drowning. This was her best friend, she was supposed to accept her no matter what, and now this?

"It's ok Summer. I hoped you could deal with it and it wouldn't change iour friendship, but…"

"No Coop, you're still my best friend, it's just a shock that's all. I mean Marissa Cooper, guy crazy, socialite Marissa Cooper who's been talking to me about boys since we were age ten is standing in front of me telling me she's in love with my boyfriend's ex **girl**friend."

Summer paused taking a breath, "It's just a lot to take in at once Coop. It doesn't mean I don't support you, I just need to adjust to the idea."

Sighing with relief Marissa smiled at her friend, accepting the offered embrace happily.

"Thanks Summer, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I think it's about time we were getting back out there, or your girlfriend will start getting worried!"

"Summer! No offence, but no way. Look I haven't told anyone else, so can you, um not. I don't know if I'm ready yet."

"Your secret is my secret Coop. Now let's go, I'm hungry and Cohen's probably boring them all to death out there."

Alex looked up at the feel of a hand on her shoulder. "We're back guys! Did you miss us?"

"We thought you'd gotten lost or something. Who knew wonder woman couldn't handle a toilet!" Seth cracked up at his own joke, which promptly turned into an indignant yelp when Summer grabbed a freshly arrived chip off his plate and jammed it at his head.

Marissa slid into the booth after Summer, her hand grazing Alex's leg under the table. Alex tried her best not to smile. Hooking her foot over Marissa's under the table she grinned at another of Seth's jokes.

_Maybe this isn't so bad. Friends, not so bad at all._

(and yes, I know it was quite long, but I feel bad for making you all wait.)


	11. Don't want to hide this anymore

_Authors Note: First of all I'd just like to thank all my reviewers again. I was having a little bit of writers block recently on this fic, but when I went back and read all your reviews I somehow managed to be inspired to write more. I'm aware that this chapter is probably the weakest of all, I myself don't like it, or at least the last part. But I just wanted the plot to move on, so if anyone has a better idea do tell me!_

_(and I'm sorry it took me a long time again. I have more exams in a week though so that's been hectic.)_

It was time to go soon enough. They decided to go in two cars, Summer and Seth in one, Ryan Marissa and Alex in the other. In the jeep Marissa and Ryan sat in silence, leaving Alex to fill in the emptiness with a running commentary on the state of indie music in California. By the time they reached Julie and Caleb's mansion even Alex had fallen silent.

Sighing Marissa walked up the steps to her old house, she hadn't been back since she came to pick up her things. Wishing she had Alex's hand in hers she balled her empty palms into fists, feeling the comforting coolness of her ring. Opening the door she entered the swirl of Newport elite society, followed closely by Ryan and Alex.

Alex was taken aback to say the least. She was used to the kind of parties where nobody noticed you enter and beer cans littered the floors. The pounding rock music of her experience was replaced by low key classical strings and the low hum of a hundred conversations. The hallway and rooms adjoining were filled with people. Each one looking like they had stepped out of the pages of a magazine. Perfect people with perfect lives. Alex got the distinct feeling she had entered a different world. It wasn't her world, it was Marissa's world, and she didn't fit in here. That scared her more than anything had before.

"Marissa sweetheart!" Julie Cooper's smile seemed plastered to her face as she approached her daughter. "I'm so glad you could make it, we've missed you."

"Save it Mom, I don't want to hear it. Alex, this is my mom, Mom, this is my room mate Alex."

Alex tried to smile, she thought it probably came out as more of a grimace. Julie meanwhile gave her a desultory glance and turned to Marissa taking her elbow to guide her into the crowd.

Alex gazed helplessly at their retreating forms before a hand on her arm distracted her.

"Come on, it's not as bad once you realise that all the perfect faces have cracks." Ryan whispered to her as he took her arm. Alex wanted to shake him off her, to tell him that she knew he wanted Marissa back and to stay away, but right now he was all that she had. So she smiled up at him, "Let's see if we can't make some new cracks then.". Laughing, Ryan led her towards the bar.

Marissa had been forced to talk to hundreds of her mother's friends. Excusing herself from the last pair she decided to search for Alex. Spotting Ryan's back by the bar she headed towards him, perhaps he knew where Alex was. As she approached she heard him laughing at something someone had said to him.

_Chatting up some girl probably. White knight complex her we come again. Wonder who the pathetic case is this time._

Walking closer she caught a glimpse of the girl Ryan was talking to and her heart nearly stopped beating. Alex. _No. Get away from her Ryan, she's mine. I won't let you "save" her. She doesn't need fucking saving. At least, I don't think she does…_

Alex was having fun, despite the setting talking to Ryan was easy. They had a lot of things in common. In fact he was the only person here besides Marissa that she felt could understand at least a part of her. _I can understand why Marissa fell for him. There's something there, behind the brooding good looks, a vulnerability. Before Jody, I might even have liked him in that way._

"Alex." Marissa's tone was cold. Alex looked away from Ryan, both seeming sheepish. Alex because she hadn't really tried to look for Marissa, and Ryan because he was holding a whiskey in his left hand. Marissa took it the wrong way needless to say.

"Ryan, do you mind giving Alex and I a moment?"

"Sure, um, it was nice talking to you Alex." Ryan wandered away into the crowd to find Seth and Summer.

"Hey Riss. Have fun sweet talking the crowd?"

"What was that about?" Marissa still sounded angry.

"What was what about?"

"You. Talking to Ryan."

Alex looked at her in shock. _She couldn't possibly think…jesus this is screwed up._

"Riss. We were only talking. You did kind of leave me on my own, he was showing me around Newport Society. Nothing else."

Marissa scowled at Alex. Alex reached out to take her hand realising at the last instant where they were. As her hand fell back to her side she simply looked into Marissa's eyes, hoping that the other girl would understand how foolish she was being.

_What am I doing? Thought Marissa. _

"Alex, I, sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"I think someone was a little jealous" Alex teased. _But of who? _ A thought niggled at the back of her mind.

Laughing Marissa put her hand up to her mouth and gently kissed her ring, eyes on Alex all the time. Alex smiled.

"Apology accepted Ms. Cooper."

"Now come on, there's something I want to show you Alex" Marissa smiled and led the way through the crowd.

Julie Cooper stood by the pool. She was busy talking to one of Caleb's richer business partners when she noticed her daughter climbing the outdoor stairs to the first level, blonde friend in tow. _What the hell is she up _to Julie wondered as she watched her daughter hit a spoon off a glass to get the crowds

attention.

Alex watched in confusion as Marissa silenced the people gathered with a pointed cough. About 50 of Newport's most influential people turned expectantly to the young girls on the steps.

"Firstly I'd like to thank you all for coming to this wonderful gathering" Marissa began in a clear voice. "And I'd like to thank my mother for organising it." Polite rounds of applause greeted this statement.

"I've asked for your attention so I could introduce someone to you. This is Alex Kelly." At this point she grabbed Alex's arm and dragged her nearer to her. "She has been living here in Newport for around 4 months. I'd like you to welcome her." More polite applause was generated, this time with a few puzzled faces. "It's important for you to know who she is, because today is our two month anniversary." Silence. Alex's mouth dropped open. "Yes, that's right, Alex is my girlfriend, and I'd just like you all to know that I love her more than anything." With that Marissa turned away from the shocked socialites, and swept Alex into a kiss, in full view of her mother's entire social scene. Breaking the kiss, she whispered to a shocked Alex "Happy Anniversary babe."

Speechless Alex stared at her. She was torn, on one hand Marissa's declaration had been the most romantic gesture she had ever received. On the other, it was sure to cause them trouble in the future, and definitely draw a whole lot of unwanted attention onto their relationship.

"Alex?" Marissa's eyes filled with worry. "What's wrong babe, I thought you wanted this?"

"I do" Stuttered Alex, "It's just.."

She was interrupted by an angry shout. "Marissa Cooper, get out of this house." Julie was storming towards them, with murder in her eyes. Marissa looked shocked. She hadn't expected her mom to react this passionately. "Mom, what?"

"I said get out Marissa. You are no longer welcome here." Julie's eyes burned with barely suppressed rage.

"And take that whore with you" She spat. Marissa couldn't do anything but stare in horror at her mother. She had known it would make her angry, but this?

"Come on Riss, I think it's time we left." Alex hooked her arm round Marissa's waist and led them out towards her jeep.


	12. Search to find Escape

_Authors Note: Once again, thank you so much to all my reviewers! I know this chapter is ridiculously short. But I'm adding the next one as well. It's all in the name of continuity…_

Marissa didn't speak on the drive home. She sat staring out at the road, eyes blank, her mind far away. Alex knew better than to press her. _I remember what it was like, to be disowned by your family. _

Pulling the jeep to a stop she opened the door for Marissa.

"Come on babe, we're home now, time to go in."

In a kind of trance Marissa got out of the car, followed Alex through the open door and sat down on their bed. Alex sat beside her, too scared to touch her. After sitting like that for a few minutes Alex plucked up the courage to take Marissa's hand in hers. She squeezed it gently. With that tears began to flow from Marissa's eyes and sobs wracked her body. Gathering her into her arms Alex pulled her down onto the bed.

Marissa simply lay there and cried as Alex's hands ran comfortingly over her hair and back, her voice murmering soft comforts in her ear. As she lay in Alex's arms Marissa's sobs grew fewer. She felt safe here, with Alex. _Even if my mother has kicked me out, and won't talk to me, I have this, I have her, and she' s worth more to me than anything else._

Raising her head from the other girls embrace she looked her deep in the eyes.

"I don't care Alex. As long as you're here with me, nothing else matters. I love you."

_Screw unwanted attention, screw what people think, hell screw everything but her. Well, actually…._

Alex didn't reply, she simply leant in and kissed Marissa, gently at first, but soon passion took over. Marissa brought her hands up tangling them in the blonde hair, scraping them over Alex's exposed neck. When she felt Alex's hand slip under her shirt and along her spine she shivered. Rolling so that she was on top she forced her tongue aggressively between Alex's lips, crushing their mouths together. There was something about kissing Alex that she couldn't get enough of. Kisses with Alex weren't like other kisses, even kisses with Ryan. They were softer but more passionate, gentle but aggressive, they were simple but meant more than words could express. If she hadn't been so caught up in those kisses she might have had time to ponder them more, but as it was, she was struggling to form even the most simple thought under the ministrations of Alex's mouth.


	13. Coffee Drabble

_Authors note: This is a little drabble I came up with, thought I might stick it in to add something to this fic. This is why there has been an issue or two with continuity. I didn't want to break the narration of the story at an awkward point. You'll understand once the full thing is up!_

_**Alex's P.O.V (point of view (just in case!))**_

You're leaning against the counter at the bait shop, a coffee in your hand. No fancy combinations of skinny no fat lattes here. Just plain black coffee, although it is made from the best beans available. Coffee has always been your weakness. From the moment you tasted your first good coffee, not that crap they brew in every dinner from here to Kentucky. From the second you felt it slide down your throat, silky and smooth. Taking a sip from your cup you roll the rich liquid over your tongue, taking in its flavour and bitter sweetness. Relishing it's comforting warmth. Nothing tastes better than coffee.

Soft hands slip around your waist as cool lips press against yours. The coffee is left to grow cold, forgotten. Because as you kiss her again you remember. Nothing tastes better than coffee. Except her.


	14. An overdue conversation

Authors note: Hello again to all my wonderful readers and reviewers. If you're reading this and you haven't reviewed, please do. If you have, thanks! So I'm sorry this took a little while to get up. The exams are in full swing at the moment but you'll be glad to hear I've actually finished this fic. SO all that's left is for me to post it. I'm going to have to spread it out a bit though. Anyway, hope you like the next instalment!

The harsh sound of her alarm brought Marissa out of sleep with a jerk. She was late for school again.

"Alex, come on get up, I'm late."

"mmph what?"

"I'm late for school…..Again"

"Shit, come on, you dress, I'll make toast, then I'll drive you there."

During the car ride Marissa chewed her lip and fiddled with her bag.

"It'll be fine babe, really" Alex reached over, taking Marissa's hand in hers.

"I'm sure it's old news by now"

Marissa wasn't sure, wasn't sure at all. It was one thing for Alex, this tough girl who could survive anything, but Marissa Cooper was a different story. She knew how easily she could and would break, she just didn't know how far she could fall.

"I'll always be there to catch you." Alex squeezed her hand as she said it.

"What?….How did you know…?" Marissa was speechless. _Have I really got so deep into this that she even knows what I'm thinking now? How can she know that?_

"It wasn't hard, it's exactly what I was thinking when it came out that I was dating Jody. Only she never said she'd catch me, and she didn't." Alex sighed, "I guess that was your job"

Smiling across at her Marissa reached out to brush an errant strand of hair out of her girlfriends face,

"We'll catch each other then."

Marissa felt some of her confidence restore and as the she stepped onto the path she felt ready to face her peers. She automatically raised her hand in a goodbye to Alex. _Wait a second, what is there to hide now? They all know anyway. _Turning she ran back over to the jeep and leaning over the drivers door kissed Alex long and passionately. Smiling into the other girls mouth she pulled back,

"Bye" She whispered breathlessly before turning once again and striding towards the school entrance, a smile firmly fixed on her face. For the first time it was a genuine one as she walked into the school. Today, she would wear no masks.

Seth still couldn't get over it. Ryan's ex was kissing his ex. It repeated through his head like a mantra. Even weirder than that, Marissa Cooper was dating a GIRL. He didn't doubt the water polo team would have a good long locker room talk about that, before having a group chest waxing session. In fact, despite his constant looks of shock whenever someone reminded him about Marissa and Alex he was happy for them. But he wouldn't mind those photos…….

Ryan was taking it a little harder. It wasn't that he was still in love with Marissa or anything, it's just he had always figured that if she was with another guy he could compete. How on earth was he expected to ever compete with Alex? But he supposed if they were both happy then it couldn't be all bad. The other pupils had already learnt not to make cruel remarks about the two girls when Ryan was near. He hadn't hit anyone yet, but he had come very close to it when he had caught someone about to write crude graffiti all over Marissa's desk.

Marissa opened the door to their flat gently. Calling out for Alex she got no reply. _She must still be at the bait shop._ Making her way slowly to the bedroom she sat on their bed head hanging low. _It was so much harder than I thought it would be. The whispering, the laughing, the taunts._ She shuddered and lay back on the bed, reaching out for Alex's pillow and breathing in her absent scent.

Alex found her still curled on the bed, face buried in a pillow that was tear stained. _I shouldn't have let her do it, I know how hard it is. It was for me, but I wasn't even popular, only a few people even knew who I was. For her, it must be something terrible. Her entire world breaking apart. And there's nothing I can do to make it better. _ Alex sat on the bed next to Marissa watching her sleep.

Marissa was dreaming. _She was running down the schools corridors, all her friends chasing her. Pelting her with insults and taunts. She didn't know where she was going, all she wanted to do was wake up. _Strong arms circled themselves around her waist and a soft hand brushed her hair out of her eyes.

"Shhh babe, it was only a dream, I'm here, I'm here for you Riss."

Still shaken from the dream Marissa breathed a sigh of relief. She was safe now, sheltered in her lovers arms and that was all that mattered. Turning to face Alex she wrapped her arms around the girl drawing her into a tight embrace. Burying her face in the blond hair she breathed deeply and felt her fear flooding away.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Was it this hard for you?"

"I don't know, I mean, it was different."

"But you had Jodie." Marissa's voice sounded tight, angry almost.

"It was different." Alex's hand traced circles on her Marissa's back, the contact tantalising through the thin fabric of her shirt.

"It was different because what we had, what Jodie and I had was different."

"Better?" Marissa choked on the word, but she needed to know. This was the conversation they both knew had been put off for much too long.

"Different." Alex's voice was firm this time. As much as she knew Marissa deserved to be told the honest truth she was afraid to say it.

"Alex. Please." Marissa tightened her grip around and brought a hand up to Alex's neck, drawing them together so their foreheads touched.

"I know it's difficult, but I need to know." Marissa dreaded the words that were coming. _She's going to tell me that with Jodie, she had real love and it's not the same with me, because I could never measure up to Jodie._

"Jodie. Jodie was, difficult and argumentative. But she was confident and sweet at the same time. Jodie was the one who showed me what love is."

Marissa shut her eyes tightly. Her heart beat faster and her throat felt dry. **_The one who showed her what love is._** _That's right, she doesn't love you the same way._

"But you, god Marissa, you showed me that **true** love is more than what I had with Jodie. What I feel for you is so real, so much stronger and deeper than what I ever had with her." Alex paused and wet her lips.

"What I feel for you is so strong I'm scared nothing and no one else will ever be able to live up to this."

Alex shut her eyes and prayed that Marissa wouldn't be weirded out.

"Alex, I," Marissa couldn't stop the tear that seeped out under her eyelid. She struggled for words, "Ditto."

Alex's eyes shot open,

"Ditto? Marissa Cooper, I declare my undying love for you and all you have to say is ditto?" Alex was laughing now.

"Ditto" Marissa said it with more confidence this time. She kissed Alex,

"Ditto" Another kiss, and then another whispered ditto alternating between hopeless giggles.

Grabbing a pillow Alex swung at Marissa's head.

"Oh no you don't Ms. Kelly"

Marissa's hands pinned Alex's arms, and her body kept the other girls from moving. Laughing Marissa leant down to kiss Alex but before she could close the distance Alex had flipped them over so that she was now straddling Marissa.

"I don't remember ever giving you permission to be on top." She deadpanned with a shake of blond hair.

Suddenly Marissa wanted nothing more but to kiss her. Kiss her hard and never ever stop.


	15. The World tumbles down around us now

Authors note: Hello again faithful readers. (it's at this point I feel I should be in some big leather chair in front of a fire in a dressing gown with a pipe.) Ok, so here's the next bit. Anyone who is reading this and not reviewing, I know who you are, and I know where you live. Review or I'll find you! Or just sit here and be miserable. Your choice. Tell me what you think….

"Alex, I have to go out for a bit." Marissa called back over her shoulder as she walked over to the closet.

"Ok babe, where you going?" Alex rolled sleepily over in the bed to get a better view of Marissa's retreating back.

"Oh just out with Summer, you know, Seth stuff."

"No, but I know Summer stuff from Seth!" Alex replied laughing.

Marissa quickly got dressed and grabbed her car keys. She felt bad for lying to Alex, but she just didn't want to have an argument this morning. Still tired and a bit hung over it was all she could do to string two words together, she didn't want to have to retrace old arguments.

Pulling the jeep up outside the Cohen's house she fixed her skirt and rang the doorbell.

"Marissa, how nice to see you again, Ryan's out in the pool house, he said he was expecting you. School projects eh? I'm glad I'm passed all that." Sandy gave her his trade mark blinding smile as she stepped indoors.

Knocking on the pool house door, she once again smoothed down her skirt.

"Marissa, hi." Ryan smiled as he opened the door.

"So this history project, I've got a few books from the library as reference material." A few wasn't really the right word. Inside the pool house was a huge pile of musty old books on the French revolution. Ryan smiled sheepishly as he saw her face fall at the sight of them.

"Wow Ryan, you sure do take the research idea to all new levels don't you!"

Marissa sat down on the end of Ryan's bed.

"So where do you want to start?"

Alex looked up at the clock on the wall. It flashed 21:56 in big red type. 4 minutes until she got off work. As she stacked the last of the glasses away and handed the keys to her assistant she decided to go see where Marissa was. On finding the house empty she thought she'd pop around to Summer's house and see how the girls were getting on.

"Hi Mr. Roberts, I was wondering if Summer was here"

"Sure I am Alex!" Summer bounded down the stairs and past her slightly shocked father who withdrew hastily to his study, pleading deadlines on his work.

"So what's up Alex?"

"I was looking for Marissa"

"Well she isn't here, sorry. In fact, if you find her, tell her to call me, we haven't spoken in over two days."

"Wait, what? I thought she was with you this morning?"

"You what? No I haven't seen..oh." Summer trailed off looking at Alex doubtfully.

"She said she was coming to see you today," Alex looked at Summer hopefully, willing her to remember a meeting with Marissa . Upon seeing the glimmer of pity in Summer's eyes she knew she wasn't going to find any comfort here.

"Look Alex, I'm sure she just didn't want you worrying about whatever it was she was doing today."

But Alex had already started up her jeep.

She drove for about 30 minutes, wondering what on earth Marissa could be doing that she was hiding from her. In fact, scrap that, she had a fair idea where Marissa was right now. The problem was whether she should let Marissa tell her in her own time, or go busting in there right now. In the end, it wasn't much of a decision. She knew she could be jealous but she also knew she didn't like being lied to and it wasn't something she put up with. Turning the jeep she headed towards the Cohens'.

Marissa had fallen asleep. Ryan looked over at her and with a sigh closed the book he had been reading. So much for a nights work. He wondered how Alex had taken the news that they were working on a school project together. In fact, he wondered if Marissa had told her. He knew how guarded she could be when it came to where she was going and who she was with. He had seen it close up more than a few times. Lifting Marissa from her spot on the floor he put her on his bed, flicking the blanket over her before heading into the kitchen to get a bite to eat.

Parking a little way down the street , Alex walked round the back way, she didn't want to disturb Sandy or Kirsten. She knocked on the door of the pool house, and when no one answered swung the door open gently. She had had a fair idea of what she was going to see, had run over the worst scenarios in her head, but the pain was unexpected. Marissa lay sleeping peacefully in Ryan's bed. Alex suddenly realised she couldn't take this right now. Turning sharply she went to leave, running straight into Ryan who was carrying a tray of food over from the main house. The tray fell with a crash.

"Alex!" Ryan jumped back just avoiding a glass as it shattered on the ground,

"Ryan" Alex's voice was cold and low.

"Alex?" Marissa leapt up from the bed red faced. _How the hell did I end up in there? I must have drifted off to sleep or something._

"Save it Marissa. You lied. I don't want to hear you try and explain your way out of this one."

Alex turned, shooting one last glare at Ryan before striding down the path towards her jeep.

"Shit, Alex, wait, please babe, just wait." Marissa scrambled past Ryan running after her girlfriend.

Duh duh duh! Not. Ok so I have a feeling this entire fic is going rapidly downhill quality wise. But there's only one more chapter until my "end". It's not really an end, it's just, a good spot for a pause I suppose. We'll see. So yeah, R n R people.


	16. There's no perfect endings

_Authors note: So I'm going to leave the note at the bottom!_

"Alex, wait."

"What for?" The blonde shouted turning, they were in the street now, Alex's jeep just a few steps away.

"So you can tell me again how little Ryan means to you? So you can pretend there was nothing odd back there?"

"We were studying. That's all. I lied, yes. But only because I didn't want another argument with you"

"Well you've damn well gone and got yourself one now. You still love him, don't you? That's why you lied, not for me, for you."

"Stop Alex, we've been through this before. "

"No, no we haven't. You've denied it before, and I've sat there and tried to believe you. I hate how you become around him, like you're ashamed of me, of us. Everyone knows it Marissa, everyone else sees it. For gods sake, the way you simper when he's around, it's disgusting."

Marissa felt the anger building up, _how can she speak to me like this, after everything we've been through she still can't bring herself to trust me._

"Well maybe if you could get over yourself and just trust me you'd realise I'm telling you the truth. Just because you grew up on your own it doesn't make you tough Alex. It makes you lonely, and bitter."

"Because you'd know all about that wouldn't you?" Alex was furious now, walking towards Marissa, "You who've had everything handed to you on a golden platter since you were born."

"In case you don't remember, my family isn't exactly nice."

"They love you Marissa, can't you see that? You're so fucking busy hating your life, hating them, that you can't see what you have. How can you complain when you have this life that so many people would kill for?"

"This isn't about my life Alex, it's about you. You need to understand that there's nothing going on between me and Ryan. You just can't trust me can you?"

"No, you're goddamn right, I can't trust you. You're a wreck Marissa, did you never think that the self pity act might be wearing just a little thin? That maybe when you tell me how terrible your life is it doesn't hurt? That I don't try and make you happy only to have some other stupid thing make your life such a drag? For me to know that whatever I do, I can't make you happy?"

"All I know is that you can't get over me and Ryan."

"Yes, you and Ryan. The couple that is meant to be, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Robin hood and Maid Marion. I've had enough."

They stood there face to face, chests heaving with anger and grief, staring into each others eyes.

"So what are you going to do Marissa? Run back to Ryan?"

And Marissa slapped her. Full across the face. Alex reeled backwards more from shock than the impact of the blow.

"Fuck you Alex." Marissa turned on her heel and walked away leaving Alex in shock.

Marissa stood at the end of the pier staring over the water. The strong breeze toyed with her hair, blowing it across her face. All she could think of was the feel of Alex's hands running through it, the wind felt cold, empty, so different from those hands. She stared at her own hands, gripping the wood railing tightly. Closing her eyes she tried to imagine the stiff wood was soft skin, silken and malleable. Memories filled her head, images flashing in front of closed eyelids. The sparkle in her eyes when she was caught off guard by one of Marissa's kisses, the way she raised her eyebrow quizzically at a remark. The feel of fingers intertwining with her own, safe and comforting.

_It was never him. It's always been her, her her her. But too late to realise that now, you've lost her. Everything you ever dreamt of, everything you needed and you let her go. _

Alex shoved her bags into her jeep. She should feel something, but all she felt was numb. Numb from the pain at least.

"Alex, what are you doing?" Marissa was running up the driveway towards her now.

"Leaving." Alex didn't even bother to look up from what she was doing.

"But.."

"I've paid my half of the rent for the next 2 months, the rest is up to you Marissa."

"Alex, please, don't go. Let's talk about this."

"What is there to talk about?" Alex turned tears in her eyes. She brushed them away angrily. Shaking her head she reached out, grasping Marissa by the waist and looking her in the eyes.

"Look, it's been…" She trailed off as Marissa's hand brushed her jaw line. Taking her girlfriends hand she firmly placed it back at Marissa's side.

"What? I thought…you just can't understand it can you?" There was a desperate sadness to Marissa's voice as she said it.

"No, I can't. But that's not the problem Riss. I shouldn't have to understand it. There shouldn't be anything there for me to understand. I do know you aren't going to ever get over him though. There will always be a part of your heart that is his."

Marissa opened her mouth to argue, but was stopped by Alex's finger resting against her lips.

"Shh, just listen. I love you Marissa, but with me, I have to have it all. I can't stay here knowing there is a part of you that can never be mine. That's just too hard for me. So I have to leave. I'm sorry, it's been more than I could have ever hoped for. I won't forget you. Let's just say, you're my Ryan."

"I don't know what to say Alex."

"Sometimes, the only thing that's left to say is goodbye."

Marissa felt the hot tears coursing down her cheeks. Staring at Alex she tried to soak in every part of the girl, to burn into her memories the way her hair fell across her face and the depth in those grey blue eyes.

_Just one last kiss. To remember me by.._

Marissa leant in, eyes closed and kissed her. _The only girl I've ever loved, the only one I ever will. She's leaving me and I can't find the words to ask her to stay._

"Goodbye" Marissa whispered as their lips broke apart for the last time.

_So….Tell me what you thought. This is the pause I was talking about. But that was before I had some new plot ideas. However, there probably will still be a pause of about a week while I work up enough new material to continue. All thoughts so far would be greatly appreciated. This is where I originally planned upon ending the story. I just couldn't seem to write a believable off into the sunset end. _


	17. Authors Note

This is just an authors note. Not a new chapter. Because I can't seem to reply to reviews.

Now I know everyone loves the happy endings. Actually, I don't, because personally I think it's more realistic to not have a happy ending. Also, in light of the characters, it's probably more true to form to have them both walk away and just regret it for the rest of their lives.

But, because you've all been so great at reviewing and I feel bad leaving you unhappy I'm going to write a sequel. It'll be called **We were made for each other. **yes I know, crappy title, and credit goes to Jack's Mannequin and Andrew McMahon for both the title and songs which are giving me inspiration.

So yes. That's what it'll be called, and first chapter should be up this week.

Ok then, once again thanks for all the awesome reviews. That's it.


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